5 Signs You’re A Caffeine Junkie And Need Rehab (Just Kidding, We Both Know Coffee Is Life, Don’t You Dare Take That Cup Away)

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1. You’re always on the lookout for your next fix. 

Whether it’s inconspicuously attempting to get closer to someone who even smells slightly like coffee or scaring a fellow subway rider who has a cup by nudging him and saying, “Hey bruh, you dealin’?” you’re always squinty-eyed, scanning your surroundings for your next hit of joe. You get an especially frenzied look in your eye when you haven’t located a nearby coffee shop within the first few hours of waking up.

2. You collect coffee cups, in other words, souvenirs of your daily debauchery.

Your desk looks like it could be on a special episode of “Hoarders,” because let’s face it, whether you meant to or not, you have built a shrine to your coffee-drinking habits. All hail your treasured and specially designed coffee mug from Etsy, your string of old Starbucks paper cups and evidence of that one time you were desperate enough to settle for your local bodega “brand.” These are all remnants of a beautiful past and hope for a brighter future of sipping.

3. Your withdrawal symptoms are hella scary.

When you haven’t had your fix of caffeine for the day, you actually exhibit some pretty terrifying withdrawal symptoms. Signs of caffeine withdrawal can include: becoming inexplicably depressed, feeling increasingly irritable for no reason, and sobbing uncontrollably without knowing why. You might feel like life is meaningless…until you get your next espresso shot. Suddenly, the meaning of life becomes clearer and your attitude is chipper again (albeit a pretty frightening level of chipper and energetic, depending on the number of espresso shots). The popular “don’t speak to me before I’ve had my coffee” meme is embodied in your everyday behavior.

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